Some Thoughts On Eurovision 2009

It's that time of year again when some version of Europe that includes Israel, Turkey, Russia and Azerbaijan gets together for the ultimate dance-and-sing off! It's Eurovision 2009! This year's contest was held in Russia (Moscow), where last year's winner hails from. In case you are unfamiliar with the contest, basically every country in some mythical 42-nation super-Europe that includes Israel, Iceland and Azerbaijan (which is further east than Iraq) submits a musical act. There's a map below - the countries in green are part of the contest, while the ones in other colors are eligible but have so far decided not to participate. Over two nights the acts are cut from 42 to 25, and then the 25 finalists perform in a two-hour spectacular. Thereafter a winner is crowned, the greatest musical act in all of super-Europe. I'm a big fan of the show, mostly because many of the acts are bizarre or bad and it's usually commentated on by Sir Terry Wogan, who openly mocks the contest.



Wogan has a lot to complain about. The way the winner of the contest is decided has, over recent years, begun to favour countries from the east over song quality. The UK got dead last in 2008. The reason for this is, the winner of the contest is the act that gets the most points. Sort of like the US Senate, every country participating has the same number of points that they get to award to their favourite acts (they can't give any points to themselves). Since there are a million tiny countries in Eastern Europe, compared to a handful of big countries in Western Europe, the eastern european countries tend to do better, since eastern european countries seem to vote for each other all the time.

However, this year, they've changed the rules, (in other changes, Terry Wogan is retired, to be replaced by Graham Norton, who still mocks the contest). It used to be like a gigantic American Idol, with phone votes determining how each country divides up its points. Now, half the points are determined by national phone-in voting and half are determined by a professional jury. The hope is that the jury will look beyond geopolitics and vote for the best act, not their favourite neighbouring country. I imagine they had to change the rules because the UK, Germany, Spain and France (who contribute the most money to the contest) were upset that they kept losing. This follows the tradition of bending to the will of these countries, as they were given an automatic pass to the finals in 1998. Anyway, it may have worked, as the UK finished fifth this year.

As I said, it's good fun to watch, because some of the acts are really bizarre. Time for a highlights reel:

The winner of this year's contest was Norway, with this terrible song. It got the most points ever, beating out Lordi, the monster (literally) rock and roll act (see bottom of this post).



The UK tried to pull out a win with it's secret weapon. Andrew Lloyd Weber. It wasn't enough that he wrote this year's song. They decided to bring him onto stage, and play the piano (or pretend to play the piano - only the vocals are live on Eurovision). One miscalculation - Andrew Lloyd Weber (author of the Phantom of the Opera musical) is only beloved in England.



Germany tried a similar approach, using their secret weapon of Dita Von Tease. Unfortunately, her thin waist was not enough to distract the continent from the fact that Germany's song was terrible. They finished 20th with 35 points (the winners had 387 points). For what she does on stage, I hope they didn't have to pay her much.



Then there is Albania. I only ever seem to hear bad things about this country (like that they still have blood feuds). And it's where Lord Voldemort hid from the wizards for 14 years in Harry Potter. This misguided performance does nothing to alter my preconceived notions.



Finally, there's Ukraine. I had high hopes for these guys, because they blew me away in 2007. This year wasn't as good, though they were still pretty wild. Apparently the lead singer mortgaged her flat to pay for the set (she's probably in trouble now, after finishing 12th). Feel free to skip to two minutes in, when she starts playing the drums.



So, another year gone by. I'll close the post with two classics. First, the aforementioned Lordi, who were the previous record-holders for most points scored. Then, Ukraine 2007, which has to be seen to be believed.